some nights i can't sleep. this doesn't happen often. sometimes, when it does happen, i'm very productive. other nights, not so much. i just click mindlessly through facebook and instagram til boredom makes me tired. tonight is not one of those nights. tonights i want to feel... feel fragile, feel vulnerable, feel exposed.
today would have been my dad's 60th birthday. some times i feel the weight of his birthday days and weeks in advance, a looming sadness and melancholy. other times i nearly forget and the shock of his birthday arriving has an unexpected, sharp pain. like a bee sting.
this year it snuck up on me. i have been so preoccupied these last few days, with christmas preparations for our first year celebrating at home and in the general life of a mother with young children, surrounded with bottles and diapers and small cars and puzzle pieces. i completely forgot today was the 18th til mid-morning, when judah realized that, with a fresh day, he was entitled to another advent calendar chocolate post-breakfast.
i've written a bit about my family before. today i'm not going to. in the spirit of my dad, who wrote poems for each and every occasion, i am just going to share a poem that i love.
dad, i miss you still. i see you in the mischievous gleam in judah's eye and the dimple in his cheek. i see you in the girls, in their twin-ness. now that i have daughters, i wonder how you saw me as your baby girl. about your upbringing was as a twin. i can hardly believe you would only have been sixty this year -- as i age, it doesn't seem nearly old. how have you been so long gone and missed so much? i miss you still. i wish we had had more time, healed. xo m
- Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, 1927.
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