this is me.

may 19th was the 6th anniversary of my father's death.  for some reason, i found this anniversary really, really hard.  i tend to stuff most of my emotional baggage and just reserve it for late nights with jody and a glass of wine.  i don't know if was because this year was a significant *ahem* birthday for me or because of judah's first birthday or because i'm getting emotional in my old age.  but this anniversary and the sadness of it came out.  on the kinnikinnick trails in sechelt.  while i was walking with jody. 

it went something like this::

j: today i took the water cooler to the dump and it cost $40.  isn't that crazy?! {note: this water cooler was in our driveway for the last 6 months.  only cool kids have coolers in the driveway.  no, we're not ghetto at all......}

m: you took the water cooler to the dump??

j: ya.  finally.

m: but, you just dumped it?!  i wanted it to go in the share shed. {the share shed is at the dump & everything costs only $1.  its a way to reduce waste.  someone's garbage is another person's treasure, or something like that, right?!}

:: i get very upset & silent.  i can't even verbalize why i'm so upset.  seriously, its a water cooler, right?!  but i can hardly breathe.  we walked through 3/4 of the pink trail, which is l.o.n.g. before i decide i should talk to jody because, well, i don't want him to leave me behind because i'm scared of bears and other wild animals and i AM married to the dude.::

m: that water cooler... {start bawling} was my dad's and i wanted it in the share shed because it still works and it wasn't garbage and my dad really liked it and i didn't want it in the dump. *gasp for breathe* and i really miss him. {lean onto jody and start sobbing uncontrollably}

j: {looking stunned} ....... you know your dad's not in the water cooler, right?! {lol. he's so articulate, my darling husband.  but, he did recover quickly and hold me as i fell apart.  the pain of death and the feeling of being an orphan never truly disappears.}

the best part was that a super cute couple went walking by a few minutes later.  i was completely disheveled with mascara running down my face and a runny, red nose.  we then ran into this same couple at a birthday party two days later.  small towns.  but they were nice and pretend not to notice my crying.

in honor of my dad, here's an excerpt of one of my favorite poems::

as freedom is a breakfastfood

or truth can live with right and wrong

or molehills are from mountains made

- long enough and just so long...

deeds cannot dream what dreams can do

- time is a tree (this life one leaf)

but love is the sky and i am for you

just so long and long enough.

~e.e. cummings

dad, i miss you more and more with each memory or moment you miss.  i can't wait to hear your laugh someday.  you would love judah so.  i hope i am making you proud. xo*m