this is me.

Today is a hard day for me. Five years ago on this day, my life changed forever.

There is a deep, raw pain when your parent dies, one that leaves you empty and orphan. Normally I don't like to dwell on my past, but today is a day that I let myself be sad and feel the hurt and the emptiness... I let myself remember the good times and the bad times... and I cry.

My dad was unlike anyone I have ever known. He had a charisma that drew people to him, especially women. He relished in his dorky sayings, like responding "Just ducky" when you'd ask how he was doing. It drove me crazy, absolutely crazy. He wore sandals with socks and track pants with dress shirts and no amount of ridicule from my brothers and I would shame him into changing. He liked telling jokes and wrote poems for us on our birthdays. He joined LavaLife. Seriously. He cried while watching "Touched By An Angel", a sad commercial, a happy movie. He once tried to grow lettuce in his kitchen. His childhood traumas scarred him forever. He hide a love child from our family. His addictions dictated much of his life.

My dad's death changed my life, in many ways for the better. I have realized the importance of living my life deliberately. I have learned to relax and savor the moments, not just the minutes. I have allowed myself to trust and love and be vulnerable, things that I guarded for a very long time.

I miss him.