letter to my girls :: 10 months

to my girls,

how in the world are you 10 months old?!  this past year has been so full, so fully alive.  how is it almost your birthday?  with each new tooth you spring, i mourn the speed that your first months have passed, but i am also so happy to see you growing, to wonder who you'll become.

i look at you sometimes still and wonder how in the world you are both mine.  i wonder why in the world God trusted you to me. i wonder how to be a good mom to little girls, but i have more faith now that i will figure it out along the way; that the love i have for you will overcome my fears.

everly, you are full of spunk and smirks.  you talk non-stop, babbling "daddadadadada" or "mom mom mom" during dinnertime or "yayayayayaya" when you are happy and trying to get judah's attention.   you make me laugh with your continual "smoking" of everything in sight - play carrots, real carrots, felts, toys, anything you can find.  you have a mischievous gleam to your eyes but are also content and quietly observe the craziness around you.  we call you ever & evie & ever-eeeee (judah's favorite nickname for you!)  i love you, my lovely girl.

bria, you are full of giggles and smiles.  you growl, like a tiger.  all. the. time.  it is the funniest thing and stops people in their tracks.  you are the prettiest tiger around.  you baby babble, but rarely.  and usually only when the other two are quiet.  you climb everything.  you are so, so happy when teetering on top of a chair or a stool or a toy.  it scares me.  you hid under everything else.  it makes me laugh.  we usually call you bee or, less often, bree.  i love you, my sweet bee.

xo

your mom.

p.s. - thank you for choosing this month, on the same week, to start sleeping through the night.  you gave me a new level of sanity and i will be forever grateful.

seriously, its december?!  the last few months have just flown by.  i feel like that statement is so cliche, but the older i get and the more babies i have (ha!), the faster the moments fly by.  this last month has been family sessions and newborn sessions and a little family vacation and goals and planning.  its all so very exciting.

last year was a really strange time during the winter, with virtually no sessions from december to march.  the weather stinks.  so i get to read, sit by the fire, watch movies, drink wine with my hubby, snuggle a baby, wrangle a toddler, read, drink tea, read a bit more.  i am so looking forward to it!

i am planning a few changes to my blog and website.  one new feature i want to start having is a monthly goal feature.  i believe its important to document goals and hopefully my committing them to paper my blog, it'll be a reminder and help me to be more mindful of them.

Personally::

- CHRISTMAS!  This year will be the first year we get to stay home!  i am THRILLED to wake up in my own bed.  open presents under our own tree.  cook my own turkey (aka get all the yummy leftovers to myself!).  start some of our own traditions.  although i love spending time with our extended families, we have traveled to be with them for christmas for the last F.O.U.R. years and enough is enough.  i am so, so excited.

- go ice skating.  its a family tradition.  i promise to post pictures.  trust me, its not pretty.

- above-noted down time.

- work out.  i know -- who wants to think about that during the holidays?!  but i just started these incredible workout classes with the jillian michaels of the sunshine coast.  this lady is amazing.  plus, them i'll be virtually guilt-free when i eat a disgusting amount of turtles chocolates.

Business::

- order a few new products.  *yipee*

- new blog / site launch.  i have a feeling this will be repeated in january's goals.  even though it may not be published by the end of december, i'm working diligently on it.  and can't wait to share!!

- update the blog.  with all of my shoots that have i haven't posted.  bad bad melissa.

GOALS! 

- organize my christmas cards.  last year, i completely forgot til about december 26th and then it never happened.  i will be more organized this year!

- do a “End of the Year Review" of my favorite photos.  i always love when other photographers do this and have decided to jump on the bandwagon, too.

dad :: 2012

some nights i can't sleep.  this doesn't happen often.  sometimes, when it does happen, i'm very productive.  other nights, not so much.  i just click mindlessly through facebook and instagram til boredom makes me tired.  tonight is not one of those nights.  tonights i want to feel... feel fragile, feel vulnerable, feel exposed.

today would have been my dad's 60th birthday.  some times i feel the weight of his birthday days and weeks in advance, a looming sadness and melancholy.  other times i nearly forget and the shock of his birthday arriving has an unexpected, sharp pain.  like a bee sting.  

this year it snuck up on me.  i have been so preoccupied these last few days, with christmas preparations for our first year celebrating at home and in the general life of a mother with young children, surrounded with bottles and diapers and small cars and puzzle pieces.  i completely forgot today was the 18th til mid-morning, when judah realized that, with a fresh day, he was entitled to another advent calendar chocolate post-breakfast.

i've written a bit about my family before.  today i'm not going to.  in the spirit of my dad, who wrote poems for each and every occasion, i am just going to share a poem that i love.

dad, i miss you still.  i see you in the mischievous gleam in judah's eye and the dimple in his cheek.  i see you in the girls, in their twin-ness.  now that i have daughters, i wonder how you saw me as your baby girl.  about your upbringing was as a twin.  i can hardly believe you would only have been sixty this year -- as i age, it doesn't seem nearly old.  how have you been so long gone and missed so much?  i miss you still.  i wish we had had more time, healed.  xo m

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, 1927.

currently :: november 2012

here's my "currently" for november::

obsessed over::  the weather.  i don't think i've ever checked the weather as much i do since starting photography.  when i have a shoot coming up, i check it days before, the night before, hours before.  checking for the dreaded rain.  a rained out shoot is no fun.

working on::  simplifying.

thinking about::  how silly it was for me to sign up for a class at ubc.  honestly, what was i thinking?!  i thought that the fall, being slow season, would be a good time to work on courses to complete my degree.  i'm so SO close to being finished.  but, these days, i would way rather snuggle a baby and drink tea than study.  next time i have a great idea, i'm going to smother it with a pillow.

anticipating:: christmas.  i cannot believe how early everyone is decorating this year!  it seems like my facebook & instragram feeds constantly have new trees and lights and holiday decorations.  my only contribution so far some festive red nails and my christmas starbucks mugs being used.  i just cannot allow myself to start decorating until december 1st.

listening to::  the new mumford & sons album.  i have a serious obsession.

eating::  turkey.  we boycotted canadian thanksgiving this year, opting instead to eat pizza with some friends.  but i missed it.  i decided we'd celebrate american thanksgiving this year with a turkey and all the trimmings.  i plan on pulling out some recipes from my beloved pinterest account.

wishing:: for the new canon 24 - 70 f 2.8.  it's the last lens i want to add to my collection for a long, long time.  but it's just so darn expensive.  i hope that the lense fairy drops it off on my doorstep.  please oh please tell me there's a lense fairy.

dissing:: people who drive for extended periods of time with their blinkers on.  and the confusion of whether they are just REALLY early signal-ers or whether it's on accidentally.  grrrr.  and people who drive 60 in an 80 zone.  i get stuck behind these vehicles SO much on the coast.  double grrrrrrr.

laughing at::  my babies.  all three of them.  i never knew such joy til i met them.

fall 2012

this summer we used our giant kitchen chalkboard as a summer family activity checklist.  it was a great constant reminder to do activities together.  it's so easy to get in the routine of life, regular play and chores, that i find, for us at least, we can forget to do the special things.  i think these are SO important as that's what makes memories.  as a child, i have very few memories of regular days, but remember some of the special days so vividly.  

so, here's our fall checklist::  

feel free to steal it.  

i already stole it from justine.

she rocks.

nursery's are over-rated. or that's what i try to tell myself anyways...

please don't think of me as a terrible mother, but the twins nursery is, well, basically non-existent. the last two weeks, we finally have the cribs set-up.  and a refurbished dresser is tucked into the corner of the room.  but with me leaving the coast so suddenly to be near a hospital, nursery design basically got by-passed completely.  and these last few months - how in the world has it been a few months already?! - since they've been born, i've just been too buried in diapers and bottles and editing and enjoying life to get their room organized pass the functional stage.  and even that is a bit of an exaggeration.

if i'm going to be completely honest, i'm in the nursery as we speak.  because its still also my office. 

ok, i am a terrible mother! 

but i have spent time brain-storming ideas this last week...

shades of grey.  

don't get me started on the book (that's a whole other post!)... but PAINT shades of grey are out.of.hand.  there are approximately 1001 different ones.  cool shades.  warm shades.  shades that look slightly blue and purple and green.  its ridiculous.  and confusing.  but the nursery will definitely be one of these shades of grey! :)

and there will definitely be one of these prints!  

i'm obsessed!  

i'm trying to decide between this pink one or *shocker* a grey one.

an element of wallpaper.  but have you seen the choices now days?! 

i'm thinking tone-on-tone or something soft & subtle.

girly lighting.  

just because now i can. :)

 i'm not the most confident designer.  sorting through pinterest and the web for ideas pretty much makes me break out in a cold sweat.  i am giving myself the deadline of september first to have the majority of it done & promise to post the final results!

do you have any great ideas for me?!  honestly, i'll take all the help i can get when it comes to organizing and decorating.

oh, how i love this boy.

the other day, jody was trying to get him to eat lunch.

it wasn't working.

until mommy threatened to eat it.

we started cheek-pushing each other out of the way to get the yogurt.

the yogurt quickly disappeared.

we finally got him to eat.

i thought i won.

then i went grocery shopping.

when i got home, jody asked what was on my face.

he thought i went out for ice cream alone.

but it wasn't ice cream.

it was leftover dried yogurt from the morning.

gross.  n'uff said.

this weekend...

i love long weekends.  this is what things looked like around our house.  the rain was pouring.  a nasty headcold is playing hot potato with the twins and me.  somehow the boys in our house are immune.  

we watched movies, drank raspberry beer (ok, that was just me) and hid from the fall-like weather pouring down outside. jody let me sleep-in twice and have a nap.  it was glorious.

minnow did her usual thing...

  the tongue actually touching the floor is a new one.  oh man, i love our dog.  i don't even know what i'd do if i had a real dog.  you know, one that required walking.  minnow's more my style. :)

i said we moved a while ago.  well, we moved back.  i just can't stay away.  i started a new blog, mainly to help streamline my photography work with my blog.  but i just can't resist my little family blog.  every since we moved, i've hardly blogged because, in all honesty, i feel like i'm cheating the original.  my blogger blog was easy to format and did everything i wanted and was focused on the real reason i began blogging in the first place - to document our family for ourselves and our kids.  why oh why did i ever leave you, blogger blog?!  what was i thinking?! forgive me.

i'm going to keep this blog primarily page family focused and my other blog - www.melissapageblog.com - primarily photography focused.  i'm still not sure how i'm going to work this (ha!) but stay with me... i promise it'll be worth it.

xo

m

This is Joyce.

She's our neighbour.  She lives across the cul-de-sac and slightly above us on the hill.  

She openly admits to stalking us and says its her neighbour-ly duty, like block watch but better.

Judah knows her as "Granny Joyce".

Up until a year ago, she called me 'Vanessa' and Jody was known as 'Cody'.  And, yes, we corrected her.  Multiple times.  Now its a running joke and on particularly sassy days, she still hollers 'Hey, Vanessa' over her glass balcony.

On Mondays, we usually watch Dancing with the Stars as we drink wine, I paint her nails and she tells me old stories that occasionally begin with sentences like "One time, when I was skinny dipping..."

Recently, we celebrated her 83rd birthday with her.  

Her husband has just moved into a local care facility and none of her children live on the Sunshine Coast, so we invited her over for a mini, impromptu party.  Jody made us a delicious dinner of bbq steak and sauteed prawns, garlic mashed potatoes and steamed spring veggies.  Fresh lemon tarts topped with a single candle topped of our night.

Joyce says she doesn't usually like babies.  

But, luckily for us, Judah won her over with his baby charms and we have begun sharing our lives with this funny, vivacious old lady who lives across the street who reminds us not to take life too seriously, keep a sense of humor about things, and rock the red lipstick until I'm old and grey.

may 19th was the 6th anniversary of my father's death.  for some reason, i found this anniversary really, really hard.  i tend to stuff most of my emotional baggage and just reserve it for late nights with jody and a glass of wine.  i don't know if was because this year was a significant *ahem* birthday for me or because of judah's first birthday or because i'm getting emotional in my old age.  but this anniversary and the sadness of it came out.  on the kinnikinnick trails in sechelt.  while i was walking with jody. 

it went something like this::

j: today i took the water cooler to the dump and it cost $40.  isn't that crazy?! {note: this water cooler was in our driveway for the last 6 months.  only cool kids have coolers in the driveway.  no, we're not ghetto at all......}

m: you took the water cooler to the dump??

j: ya.  finally.

m: but, you just dumped it?!  i wanted it to go in the share shed. {the share shed is at the dump & everything costs only $1.  its a way to reduce waste.  someone's garbage is another person's treasure, or something like that, right?!}

:: i get very upset & silent.  i can't even verbalize why i'm so upset.  seriously, its a water cooler, right?!  but i can hardly breathe.  we walked through 3/4 of the pink trail, which is l.o.n.g. before i decide i should talk to jody because, well, i don't want him to leave me behind because i'm scared of bears and other wild animals and i AM married to the dude.::

m: that water cooler... {start bawling} was my dad's and i wanted it in the share shed because it still works and it wasn't garbage and my dad really liked it and i didn't want it in the dump. *gasp for breathe* and i really miss him. {lean onto jody and start sobbing uncontrollably}

j: {looking stunned} ....... you know your dad's not in the water cooler, right?! {lol. he's so articulate, my darling husband.  but, he did recover quickly and hold me as i fell apart.  the pain of death and the feeling of being an orphan never truly disappears.}

the best part was that a super cute couple went walking by a few minutes later.  i was completely disheveled with mascara running down my face and a runny, red nose.  we then ran into this same couple at a birthday party two days later.  small towns.  but they were nice and pretend not to notice my crying.

in honor of my dad, here's an excerpt of one of my favorite poems::

as freedom is a breakfastfood

or truth can live with right and wrong

or molehills are from mountains made

- long enough and just so long...

deeds cannot dream what dreams can do

- time is a tree (this life one leaf)

but love is the sky and i am for you

just so long and long enough.

~e.e. cummings

dad, i miss you more and more with each memory or moment you miss.  i can't wait to hear your laugh someday.  you would love judah so.  i hope i am making you proud. xo*m

a glimpse of our weekend in the sun.  we discovered we have a beach baby who has no qualms about walking directly into the freezing cold ocean.  fully clothed.

i love my boys.

p.s. - don't forget about the contest!  see this post :)