this is me.

My true goal in life, since having Judah, is being someone he can be proud of.  I have flaws.  I am faulty and have cracks and scars.  But I'm trying.  I'm not yet there; I'm only a fraction, a sliver of the person that I want to become for him.  But having a child changes everything and makes you realize that the choices you make in life, the things that you decide are important, affect someone other than you.  You become accountable to someone else.  

I realized this most acutely when my dad died.  I've heard all the cliches - that it was his time, God called him home, we don't understand God's reasoning.  I don't believe any of it.  I believe that he died pre-maturely because of the choices he made in life, poor choices that affected not only him but myself, my brothers, our children.  Judah will never know his grandfather.  My dad missed our wedding, my pregnancy, my brother's university graduation, my other brothers' high school graduations.  I don't believe this was from God calling him home early.  I believe smoking, an unhealthy lifestyle, stress all lead to him dying early.  Its selfish & death sucks.  

Losing my father and giving birth to my baby make me realize I live for more than just me and need to be accountable.  I live for others, namely Judah (& in the future, our other children).  I need to try hard to live the best possible life I can live, to be the best possible version of myself I can be.  I'm a work in progress.  But I'm trying.  And I refuse to quit.